What I've Learned about Gratitude

12 days ago I made a goal of writing down one or two things I have been grateful for at the end of the day. To keep me accountable I made this journal public on Facebook. I was a little bit uncertain about doing it this way at first, I try not to be "that" facebook friend who posts things 24/7. But I got over my pride of caring about what other people think and just did what I felt I needed to do. There is so much negativity going on in the world, and most people tend to dwell on what's wrong (including me) so I thought what a better way to change myself and others by creating a ripple effect of positive thinking?

I have been working to heal myself spiritually, mentally, physically and emotionally for the past year or more, but the loss of my infant son and dealing with home issues is helping to motivate me to work harder and to try harder to find relief. I have discovered in the process that one of the things that holds me back the most is my tendency towards negative thinking. Specifically towards myself, and my circumstances. I tend to speak in "victim" language: "I can't believe it's so cold outside. I am so tired. Heavy sighs. Why can't I be better at this? Why can't I do that? Why am I so stupid? I'm never going to have money to do what other people do. I am never going to have time to exercise and be healthy again. I am never going to make new friends or get my old self back. Life's so rough. Why can't life be easier? I don't feel like doing ____. I have no energy. << That is my number one excuse or saying."

Josh is my go to person for advice when i'm feeling especially low and down. And sometimes I'm the one with the good advice. ;)

"Stop dwelling on the negative, look at the positive" he is starting to remind me to just dwell on the good. This doesn't mean you don't see the bad. But it's kind of like when a friend points out a pimple on their face, it's not something you even noticed until they point it out to you. It's the same thing for me. At the end of the day I tend to look at all the things that went wrong. Today I will admit I did it again. I said to Josh "We didn't even get to spend much time together today" he said "Yea, today we just chilled. We got to sit on the couch and just relax in front of the TV and computer screen. No we didn't talk a lot, or do anything special, but it was a great day. It was a peaceful day. I really enjoyed it." Well he got me there! It's just a matter of perspective I am coming to find. I tend to look at what didn't happen (notice, my love language is quality time lol) instead of noticing the good things that did happen. "Your right" I said. "When is the last time we got to just sit and chill and sit in front of a TV screen while Isabel played on her own and we just did our own thing?" It felt almost like we were "home" for a second (even though we are house sitting for a friend of ours for a few weeks and it's not technically our home.) It felt good to just be in the present.

Wow I totally missed that. I was too busy worrying about the future, or the past to really be enjoying the present moment.

"I am a realist" I used to say when family would tell me I was "negative, and pessimistic". 

What i'm learning as I am working on finding the good in each day at the end of the day, is that being a "realist" should actually make me an optimist. Because in the end, with Christ, we know "all is well".

Good will prevail. No matter what trials or hardships may come our way during the day, we can always turn it over to God at the end of each day, and he can take away the sting. He can deliver you out of the lie that "all is not well." He will give you peace and rest. You can turn anything into a positive because in the end, even the worst of the worst will be had for our good.

Faith has turned me into an optimist. Faith is the missing ingredient. Faith is what helps me live my life with more and more gratitude each day. When I catch myself going down that downward spiral of negativity and depression, I'm reminded that I need to stop and look for the good. Looking for the good takes a little bit of faith because it's not easy to do. "What's the point of looking for the good anyway....?" I am prone to say.

Here's what I've learned. Gratitude literally rewires the brain. I have noticed subtle shifts. It's not like all at once my negative thought processes are going to just disappear and go away. Gratitude is simply what helps to lift me out of that pit when I do fall. When hardship hits, gratitude reminds me it's not so bad after all.

I wont lie, gratitude is not going to be anyone's first instinct and is not mine yet - especially when things go really bad. But I think that's why it's a habit that needs to be cultivated. No one is just BORN with the gift of gratitude. Lol. No I am finding it really does take a lot of work. And more if you grew up in a family of pessimists and worry warts ;)

It takes some practice to really change, but I am finding myself as a result of trying to find the good at the end of the day worrying less and trusting more.

I just realized right now how far I've come. My former self (of only a month ago) would be stressing out, thinking about my situation constantly. I do worry, but not constantly now.

Today we were walking through the store and we saw Christmas decorations. My heart ached for a second, thinking I didn't have a home to even set up Christmas decorations in. I started to complain to Josh. Then I caught myself and stopped before I let myself go too far. I thought to myself "yes, but...at least we have a place to stay. At least we are being well taken care of."
That's progress.

Gratitude is seriously life changing. It's not just a trendy word used at Thanksgiving time. It is a word that can really change you from the inside out. Experiment for yourself. :)

Why Did God Lead Me Down A Dead-End Road?

Over the past few months, ever since moving into our new home, the question I keep going back to has been:

"Why would the answer to our prayers send us down the wrong road?"

I've been struggling with this one. Mostly, blaming myself and thinking I made a mistake - or many of them. How could you go through this and not wonder where your mind has been? Why would my so called "spiritual impressions" lead me down a road of hardship? Why would God prompt me to buy a home in which the bathroom pipes burst on us the day we move in? Why would he prompt me to buy a home that I thought only needed a few minor fixes, and come to find needs about 50?!?  Why would he lead me to a home that now has black mold issues due to the broken pipe, a broken HVAC system, moisture issues, ventilation issues, and the list goes on? Why wouldn't he have warned me like I asked him to, to stay away- not buy the home? I THOUGHT part of having faith meant he would lead me down a path of green pastures and still waters. I thought this home was the picture perfect, family dream home I had always envisioned in my mind I would have. Instead I feel as though I was deceived. I felt God had abandoned me. More than blaming God I have blamed myself for feeling incompetent at hearing the voice of the spirit. For not being righteous enough to discern right from wrong.

But deep down inside, that little voice in my head keeps reminding me "you DIDN'T make a mistake! This is all a part of the plan."

"Okay" my rational and logical pessimist side says, "Then why is my life a disaster? Why is my life in shambles? Why do I not even have a house to call HOME right now?!? Just explain that to me God. Explain that to me higher self, spirit and angel guides." I just want to point the finger and wag it back and forth until someone acknowledges my pain! My suffering! "WHAT ABOUT ME?!" It says. What about MY plans? MY dreams? MY needs? My rights? What about MY family? What about my reward for trying so hard? I've been doing the best I can and still - - It never seems to be enough. What did I do to deserve this?!?!

In comes the voice in my head that patiently reminds me again and again that it will all work out according to plan. It doesn't try to fight me, or belittle me, or tell me to calm down even (imagine that). It simply reminds me it will all be well.

"But! But! But!" my left brain says "BUT HOW?!?" "Where's the PROOF?!?" "There is NO possible way you can fix this, we made too many mistakes, this home is past the point of fixing, there's no possible financial way we can make this all work. And even if we do try to fix this home, it'll suck up all of our time. I just don't care. I don't have the energy to put into it. What about MY healing? I need a place to heal from MY issues. What about ME ME ME ME ME?!?"

Wow. You don't realize that is how you sound till you write it out. Ha!

And again, wise guide in my head tells me to just keep doing all the right things, to keep going, to not stop. Keep hoping, keep praying, keep praising God, keep thanking, keep smiling, keep rolling with the punches. Most of all keep trusting in yourself.

Ouch- that is the hardest advice to listen to. Keep trusting in yourself.....now that is a scary thought. "LOOK where trusting in myself got me in the past? Why the heck would I want to trust in myself?"

"Because you are doing the right things. Just because you are doing all the right things doesn't mean your life is going to be all rainbows and flowers. How boring would that be?! You've been living in that world for the past, oh, 25 years. You came here to do more than just exist. You came here to learn. You came here to learn to love. You came here to experience what transcendent love feels like. The only way to experience transcendent love is to go through something that requires transcendence. See how wise you have become already?" Ha, I crack myself up.

"Stop it right now. Stop second guessing yourself. Stop guilt tripping yourself. Stop caring so much about what other people think! Sure, there will be people who will speculate and think maybe she's just lacking a few brain cells, that's why she got into this mess. That's why she lost her son. She's been living on cloud nine.  And maybe they are half right. (ha-ha) but you know that you know and that is all that matters. YOU know you are doing what is right. So don't second guess yourself. TRUST yourself."

Okay so this is the conversation I've been having with myself for the past couple of months, especially since Noah died. Everything bad seemed to happen all at once. And I still have days where I second guess myself. But thanks to great friends and family, to my husband, and my angel son Noah himself, I am learning how to trust myself again.

It is crazy how going down a dead end road (learning without a doubt what NOT trusting myself feels like, what hating myself feels like, what self doubt and anger and faithlessness feels like) can cause one to know without a shadow of a doubt what the opposite feels like - - (Truth, trust, faith, hope, charity, love).

Experiencing the heartbreak and loss of two of my greatest dreams , my son and my house.... has brought me face - to - face with my inner demon: myself. It has forced me to confront the lies I had believed and that had become so integral to my identity. That lie was that I couldn't trust God or myself because he takes us down dead end roads.

The truth, through the fire and flames , now that circumstances forced me into and through them is in fact that I CAN trust God and myself. I can believe. Do you know why? Because I have discovered the truth. God never leaves us comfortless. He NEVER ever makes us suffer. Yes he will put us through trials and tribulations to help us grow. But the truth is that when we TRUST in him he leads us through green pastures and still waters in the MIDST OF TRIBULATION.

I just never ever understood it. I was seeking out my green pasture, and my still waters believing that peace was some sort of tangible - worldly idea of "peace"--- A picture perfect home, Fixer-upper style as seen on HGTV. A picture perfect family in a picture perfect setting. 8 hours of sleep every  night. Home cooked meals planned out in perfect sequence, never going hungry. Being self reliant, not having to depend on parents help (or anyone's help for that matter). "Peace" I thought, was something that was earned through hard work and only those who tried really hard received.

It sounds silly, now that I type it out that I used to feel that way. You don't really become aware of the things you think, feel, and say until you write them down or talk them out with a friend. Writing has always been my favorite therapist.

I know now that true happiness. True peace comes in the midst of the fire. It is so hard to explain until you experience it. I know I've heard this so many times, of coarse I would "inner-eye roll" and say to my self "yea right, true peace ...in jail? In a nursing home? In a surgery? In death? In loss? In pain? At 3 AM in the morning when I feel like i'm about to hurl? When I check my bank account? When I teach a lesson in front of a congregation of women? When my son dies on my watch?!?!......."

But the only true suffering comes when we do things without faith. When we try to do things on our own that is when we suffer. That is the ultimate irony. We think we can't trust God because he makes us suffer- so then we chose to do things without him....The only true cause of suffering.

It wasn't until I was thrown into a fiery furnace the pushed me to the very limits of pain and suffering that I finally turned to God and pleaded for some true relief. It took the loss of my son to finally shake me out of my apathy. To get me to reach out for relief. I felt as though my body and spirit were going through an endless torment. A living hell. Looking back at it now, I think I truly do know what hell must feel like. Endless tossing, and turning, never able to find rest. Feeling as though you don't belong anywhere. Wanting to dissolve into nothing and just be forgotten.

Yea. I have felt that.

Luckily it didn't last forever. It only lasted as long as I needed to experience what that dead end road looked and felt like. What "dead end" really is, I have found, is a place where God is not. He showed me that, in as gentle of a way as he could. He really did cushion the blow for me in so many ways. I look back and see his hand was there so strongly. He only let go of me for a brief time to help me see more clearly. To give me wisdom. To help me increase my resolve and my will to go more boldly down the right path.

If this experience of going down a dead end road had never happened, I might still be walking down the right, but I would be doing so at a leisurely rate, taking my merry time, possibly looking at my watch wondering "Am I there YET?!" Bored. Unexicited. Uninspired. Distracted Unmotivated to really keep going down the right road very long.

Like an article in a July 2015 Ensign entitled "Wrong Roads and Revelation" (my inspiration for this post) said:

"I understood and have never forgotten the lesson my Heavenly Father and earthly father taught me that afternoon. Sometimes in response to prayers, the Lord may guide us down what seems to be the wrong road—or at least a road we don’t understand—so, in due time, He can get us firmly and without question on the right road. Of course, He would never lead us down a path of sin, but He might lead us down a road of valuable experience. Sometimes in our journey through life we can get from point A to point C only by taking a short side road to point B. We had prayed that we could make it safely home that day, and we did."

God has a plan for me. He has one for all of us. When I say that, I mean he has an individual plan for each and every one of us. When you feel like he's left you, he hasn't. He's literally right there just WAITING for you to reach out to him for help. There's no sin, no weakness, no insecurity, no trial, no situation that he can't help you rise above. There's nothing he can't do. In my impossible situation he has brought me great peace. Right now i'm learning the lesson of patience. I am still learning THAT lesson because even though I know all this --- it's another thing to apply it and endure.

Also, something I have learned and feel I should share: it's okay to grieve and be angry and be sad. It's okay to cry and question God. He has told me that he can take it. He's your father in Heaven. You better believe he cares. He just wants you to tell him how you feel. He just wants to help you. He doesn't want to chastise you and make you feel like a naughty girl or boy for hurting. He wants you to know he loves you and it will all be okay.

<3

Rachel

Be Thou My Vision!

 Be Thou my vision, O lord of my heart;
Nought be all else to me, save that Thou art;
Thou my best thought, in the day and the night,
Waking or sleeping, Thy presence my light.

Be Thou my wisdom, be Thou my true word;
I ever with Thee, and Thou with me Lord;
Thou my Great Father, and I Thy true son;
Thou in me dwelling and I with Thee one.

Be Thou my breast-plate, my sword for the fight;
Be Thou my armour, and be Thou my might.
Thou my soul's shelter, and Thou my high tower:
Raise Thou me Heavenward, O power of my power.
Riches I heed not, nor man's empty praise,
Thou mine inheritance, through all my days:
Thou and Thou only, the first in my heart,
High King of Heaven, my treasure Thou art.

High King of Heaven when the battle is done,
Grant Heaven's joy to me, bright heaven's sun!
Christ of my own heart, whatever befall,
Still be thou my vision, O Ruler of all.

 

 This song and video is so beautiful.

The imagery of this video is so powerful. Keeping the "vision" of Christ's Atonement and the hope of God's light with us through our mist of darkness keeps us from getting sucked into despair, depression and sadness (the darkness). 

  Through this ordeal I have been amazed by the power of the atonement - the power of God's LOVE! I have felt it SO strongly! I have never felt so much love in all my life.

So you see our pain, though sore, painful and seemingly impossible to endure - can be swallowed up in the light which Christ offers us. We just have to take his hand and he will be there - every single time! Hold on to that hope, the trial of your faith will be but a small moment (for me it was the first day and night of endless tossing and turning) and because I endured it in faith God blessed me with more than I could ever imagine. It is this that brings tears to my eyes! HIS GOODNESS. I just have to praise him! God is so good.

 

 

 The Words to 'Be Thou My Vision'

The original words to the hymn date back as far as 6th Century Ireland, and to the prolific Irish writer Dallan Forgaill (c.530-598), with the original title 'Rop tú mo Baile' . It is said that such was his zealousness for writing poetry and studying that it led to his blindness. In his day, Forgaill reformed the Bardic Order, helping to preserve the Gaelic traditional literature and language.

Husband's Eulogy to Our 40 Day Old Son, Noah

I am wearing my work clothes today [firefighter uniform] because these are the clothes I last saw you in at 530 in the morning, Noah. Where I gave some comfort to you one last time before I gave you to mom to nurse. These are the clothes I had on when I got that call from our neighbor, John, that you were headed to the ER, that no parent wants to hear. These are the clothes I got to hold you one last time at the hospital and these are the clothes in which I will have the honor of burying you. 

 
The night before I laid down in bed i wrote in my Gmail-Journal that I thought Grandpa Brown was going to leave tomorrow or the next day. I get those feelings sometimes that something big is going to happen. we all know that Grandpa Brown was going soon with him having gas gangrene and all but I didn't know that you were going to go to.

Rachel and I believe that this is why you had colic and even the night before you left you were very talkative acting a little different like you're trying to tell us something, something that we didn't know. Now I know why you wanted to be with us so much and why you were colicky; that you wanted to be with us as much as possible before you had to go. I will miss those days Noah, where you laid on my chest all night, when your colic magically went away because you wanted to be with mom and me. We just thought that you were a boy and was just always so dang hungry all the time.

Noah if I would have known you were going to be with me for only 40 days I wouldn't have given you the name Noah. I would have called you Century.

I know why your middle name is Joseph now and why we felt to call you Noah Joseph because Joseph was the name of Grandpa Browns great-great Grandpa. And only a few hours after you passed, I believe you escorted Grandpa Brown to the next life.
Noah means "comfort or rest" and Joseph means "the Lord will add" so the name Noah Joseph literally means "The Lord will add comfort." We never put two and two together when we gave you this name. But It all makes sense now. You are our angel, providing us with extra love and comfort from Heaven. Although not in the way we would have liked, we get to feel of your spirit in a different and more powerful way. 

I believe that's why you went so early and that was because you had a calling and a life as a spirit that was greater than this life, meant for greater people.

I told Rachel that in the baby blessing I didn't say that you were going on a mission in the future because I felt like you're calling in life was a little different.

We both didn't understand at that time.

We finally went out to the house the other day to have some closure and we knew you were there, we could feel your spirit and only within a few minutes of being there Rachel got an email from a friend that also added some closure that you were okay and that this was meant to happen that you truly were only here to receive a body and your mission was greater on the other side. God, our Loving Heavenly Father needed you more then we did, that somebody else on the other side needed you more than we did.

Noah we love you so so much our hearts are empty, our walls are empty.  we will miss you little man. That letter a long with other friends and families calls, texts and emails have filled out hearts back up with hope and God's love. Please keep praying for us because the next couple of weeks I believe are going to be a lot tougher once everything slows down.

Isabel's first words were No, no way, no-A and Noah. When she was in the hospital waiting room she kept telling aunt Hannah and pointing to the corner of the ceiling saying Ba bee, baby. Many times. At the funeral home before we even got to see his body she did it again pointing to the corner of the room as we asked where Baby Noah was. 
 
I believe even as the Bible says that God lives and he is there for us even when we think he's not there. Like the Savior that on the third day was resurrected and lives today, even though we can't see him that's why faith is required. Along with that we believe that we will see you again Noah and we will have the opportunity to finish raising you. Where we can go play in the sandbox with your dump trucks like I dreamed you would. Where you can play baseball and basketball like your grandpas dreamed you would. Where you will get married to a sweet young lady like your mom and grandma's dreamed you would. 

Life doesn't stop and that's why we believe in Eternal Marriage and eternal families that this family will reunite and continue for the eternities and that we will pass this Earthly test.

My only regret is one that I still have as a bad habit of doing and that is telling Isabel No, too much. And someday I'd like to write a book called no no, helping parents understand that it's not all about discipline and being good kids. It's about saying yes and rewarding them for their good behaviors not scolding them for their bad behaviors. A lesson I had to learn the hard way I guess.

Noah we will see you again and we pray that you will help us through these difficult times and that you will be Isabel's guardian angel. God be with you little Bubbers were we shall both see our Savior Jesus Christ. Amen.

For my 40-day old son Noah Joseph

This post is in honor of my 40-day old son Noah Joseph Brown

This is my precious son, Noah Joseph at 11 days old. He had 29 days left to go in this picture.

I am so happy that on this particular evening Noah fell into a peaceful sleep upon laying him on the kitchen counter so I could get something to eat. The sun was shining into the kitchen casting the perfect light, and he was just so cute that day my inner photographer came out of me and had to grab my heavy duty camera.

He always had that cute little scowl on his face-- the frowny face. People always said he looked so serious, like he was deep in thought. When he would look into your eyes, he'd look at you with those deep dark practically black eyes and see into your soul. I loved having staring contests with him. He was always so aware and so attentive even as a newborn. He could follow faces, and look directly into your eye. This is something Izzy didn't do so it stood out to me.

I might as well mention his smell while i'm at it. You know how all babies come out having their own unique fragrance? When I had Isabel - she came out smelling sweet. I figured that was normal for all babies. Well when Noah came out he smelled just like earth or dirt! He just had that more "earthy" smell about him and he maintained that all the way up until the day he passed. I still have the swaddle he passed away in.... and smell it on occassion and it just brings back a flood of memories and feelings. I miss that smell so much. I miss my "little man".

There was just something about him, something different. Being around him you just got the sense that he was a strong and mighty man, even though he just had a little body. I am learning that with newborn babies especially (maybe because the veil is still so thin)...You can often get a glimpse or sense into what type of personality or spirit a newborn child has. I believe that this is one reason why he was called back home so soon.... his strength and power are really needed on the other side of the veil. I believe he is going to be helping to strengthen and lift me - I already feel his influence.

__________

I was thinking this might be a post about everything that has happened to me. But i'll keep it simple. I've gone over the story so many times with so many people. I am a bit "burnt out" on it. Part of me has gone numb to it all, and the numbness makes me sad because I want so badly to remember everything. The panic, the fear, the confusion, the hurt, the anger, the loss, the crying, the complete and utter loneliness that I felt on that awful day. The "WHAT?" feeling. The SHOCK and terror and disbelief. The prayers, the heartfelt prayers I prayed. The desperation for a miracle - to bring him back to life - being persistent in believing he would come back to life, that this wasn't over. "I kept feeling - he was supposed to be a part of our family!" I had no feelings or obvious premonitions that he was ever to leave me. Not like Josh had the night before, but his feeling was that his grandpa was about to pass. Not both on one day.

I had a revelation while talking to a friend of mine the other day. I told her "maybe that is why I felt so strongly that he was SUPPOSED to be a part of our family! This is why I was so confused and hurt, thinking I had done this - that he was taken before his time. I felt this way because he really never left us, he is a part of our family now in a very real way. He will continue to be our son, to be present for family events, meals, family home evenings, prayers, etc. He is a part of our life now in a more powerful way. But it never made sense to me in the moment. I felt that the world was spinning out of control. That I had screwed up, failed God, failed my family.

The first thing I did when I found my son, was scream "Oh no Oh no Oh no, no no no no. I didn't mean to do this! I was only trying to do my best!!" Over and over and over. The guilt is something I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. The weight of the world was upon my shoulders, and I couldn't even look a stranger in the eye, let alone family or friends. When my neighbor asked me if he could call my husband I pleaded "no, please no not yet!" I felt AWFUL. I felt imbarrased. People who lose their children to SIDS are only parents who are irresponsible and neglectful. SIDS is just another term for "child neglect" I thought.

You never understand until it happens to you, or someone near you.

You can never comprehend what *hate* is until you lose your own newborn child. The hate, of coarse, was aimed at myself. I was so sick with self hate that I could barely stand, my knees were weak. I couldn't even go upstairs to get Isabel ready to go to the hospital. I was just collapsed on the floor weeping and sobbing into my own shirt. Imbarrassed of the whole thing, in disbelief my son could actually be dead. In my head I felt there was still hope (even though deep down inside my heart I knew he was gone) I refused to let go. I refused to let him go. He's still alive. When I passed him off to the EMT lady screaming "save my baby!" I felt instant relief. I just KNEW they would bring him back, that all would be well. Hopefully he didn't have too much brain damage - that was my worry. But my pride and ego kept me from admitting to myself what I already knew....

HOW can anyone face the reality? How can any Mother face the reality in a moment like this?

I keep telling people - I would rather have had my son pass away from SOMETHING KNOWN, so that I knew it wasn't my fault. I could blame the disease. I could blame someone else. But no, it happened on my watch, and there's no obvious reason that it should have happened. It only leads me to believe it was me and so the hate is directed towards myself. I couldn't forgive myself. I just KNEW it was me. I wasn't listening to the spirit, I thought. I was too busy that day. I let him fuss too long. I should have turned off our window unit so I could hear him better. Even though it was minutes after I heard him cry before I went to check on him. Minutes! How could something this traumatic have happened so fast?

Well I will spare all the details. I will tell you though that the first night was the WORST night of my life! My bones ached, my muscles tense, my mind replaying the same scene over and over and over again, thinking, wondering, wishing I would have done something different. Kind of like the movie inception. Trying to do everything, in my mind, to bring him back.

In the morning Josh and I prayed the most heartfelt and sincere prayer that I have ever prayed. We both woke up saying "we just need to pray in faith. Lazarus was raised from the dead in 3 days, why not our son?" We really did believe, and we prayed as if he would come back to us. I imagined him being back in my arms, and the feeling of relief that it would be. And yet, that tiny but powerful feeling inside of me told me again "he's gone, this isn't God's will. Time to let him go."

I tried to tell myself "if he doesn't come back to us, I believe that he will make this bearable...." so after I said that prayer, I asked him "Please, at least let me know if it was his time to go. This is ALL I ask. Because If I can't get a answer I can't live with myself." So I believed he'd answer me somehow, someway.

I wont share how my pleadings were answered, but I will say they were.

It is the reason that I have so much peace now.

The message I want to share today, and that I know Noah would want me to share with you is of the power of prayer. The power of faith IN prayer, and in God. To trust in his will.... and if you aren't certain ask him. It is THE ONLY thing that has brought me any peace. It is the ONLY hope I have to be able to forgive myself of this. I don't know how people can get by without that peace and reassurance from God. Life would be pretty awful.

I just want to share my testimony, and say that I know that there is ALWAYS a light to be seen in the dark. He never ever leaves us comfortless. Even in my night of hell - I had a very tiny, speckle of hope. I held on to that hope because it's the only thing I could do to not go crazy. What else can you do? In this situation it is either A. go crazy B. Go numb - seek out some sort of addiction or C. cling to hope (that is, in Christ and in his will).

You know, I have no idea completely why this happened the way it did. I do know Noah has an important mission to fulfil on the other side, and that this experience was predetermined before we came down here. I have receieved that confirmation. However, it still doesn't make it any better. There is still this HUGE hole in my heart.

What God is doing, though, is making my heart bigger....  so that the hole doesn't feel so big anymore. This pain is forcing me to open up, to reach out, to seek help, to love so that I can feel more love. That's all i've got going for me now. Luckily, I have found that I have a lot of it. There are a lot of people that love me. It has been so hard to feel until now. Now that my heart is cracked open into two I can finally feel again. It is sad that it took this - but I am sure this is one of the MANY reasons that this has happened to me.

I'll end the story here, for now. Even though I could go on forever.

Love you Noah.