I have been working to heal myself spiritually, mentally, physically and emotionally for the past year or more, but the loss of my infant son and dealing with home issues is helping to motivate me to work harder and to try harder to find relief. I have discovered in the process that one of the things that holds me back the most is my tendency towards negative thinking. Specifically towards myself, and my circumstances. I tend to speak in "victim" language: "I can't believe it's so cold outside. I am so tired. Heavy sighs. Why can't I be better at this? Why can't I do that? Why am I so stupid? I'm never going to have money to do what other people do. I am never going to have time to exercise and be healthy again. I am never going to make new friends or get my old self back. Life's so rough. Why can't life be easier? I don't feel like doing ____. I have no energy. << That is my number one excuse or saying."
Josh is my go to person for advice when i'm feeling especially low and down. And sometimes I'm the one with the good advice. ;)
"Stop dwelling on the negative, look at the positive" he is starting to remind me to just dwell on the good. This doesn't mean you don't see the bad. But it's kind of like when a friend points out a pimple on their face, it's not something you even noticed until they point it out to you. It's the same thing for me. At the end of the day I tend to look at all the things that went wrong. Today I will admit I did it again. I said to Josh "We didn't even get to spend much time together today" he said "Yea, today we just chilled. We got to sit on the couch and just relax in front of the TV and computer screen. No we didn't talk a lot, or do anything special, but it was a great day. It was a peaceful day. I really enjoyed it." Well he got me there! It's just a matter of perspective I am coming to find. I tend to look at what didn't happen (notice, my love language is quality time lol) instead of noticing the good things that did happen. "Your right" I said. "When is the last time we got to just sit and chill and sit in front of a TV screen while Isabel played on her own and we just did our own thing?" It felt almost like we were "home" for a second (even though we are house sitting for a friend of ours for a few weeks and it's not technically our home.) It felt good to just be in the present.
Wow I totally missed that. I was too busy worrying about the future, or the past to really be enjoying the present moment.
"I am a realist" I used to say when family would tell me I was "negative, and pessimistic".
What i'm learning as I am working on finding the good in each day at the end of the day, is that being a "realist" should actually make me an optimist. Because in the end, with Christ, we know "all is well".
Good will prevail. No matter what trials or hardships may come our way during the day, we can always turn it over to God at the end of each day, and he can take away the sting. He can deliver you out of the lie that "all is not well." He will give you peace and rest. You can turn anything into a positive because in the end, even the worst of the worst will be had for our good.
Faith has turned me into an optimist. Faith is the missing ingredient. Faith is what helps me live my life with more and more gratitude each day. When I catch myself going down that downward spiral of negativity and depression, I'm reminded that I need to stop and look for the good. Looking for the good takes a little bit of faith because it's not easy to do. "What's the point of looking for the good anyway....?" I am prone to say.
Here's what I've learned. Gratitude literally rewires the brain. I have noticed subtle shifts. It's not like all at once my negative thought processes are going to just disappear and go away. Gratitude is simply what helps to lift me out of that pit when I do fall. When hardship hits, gratitude reminds me it's not so bad after all.
I wont lie, gratitude is not going to be anyone's first instinct and is not mine yet - especially when things go really bad. But I think that's why it's a habit that needs to be cultivated. No one is just BORN with the gift of gratitude. Lol. No I am finding it really does take a lot of work. And more if you grew up in a family of pessimists and worry warts ;)
It takes some practice to really change, but I am finding myself as a result of trying to find the good at the end of the day worrying less and trusting more.
I just realized right now how far I've come. My former self (of only a month ago) would be stressing out, thinking about my situation constantly. I do worry, but not constantly now.
Today we were walking through the store and we saw Christmas decorations. My heart ached for a second, thinking I didn't have a home to even set up Christmas decorations in. I started to complain to Josh. Then I caught myself and stopped before I let myself go too far. I thought to myself "yes, but...at least we have a place to stay. At least we are being well taken care of."
That's progress.
Gratitude is seriously life changing. It's not just a trendy word used at Thanksgiving time. It is a word that can really change you from the inside out. Experiment for yourself. :)
No comments:
Post a Comment