You know your a SIDS/Rainbow Mom when:
1. When you don't know how many kids you have... Or you get confused between present and post tense
2. You feel a twinge of guilt for being so happy.
3. You buy a breathable mattress , but then send it back because you actually try to breathe through the mattress only to find out it’s really not breathable!
4. You hold your breath every time you walk into their bedroom...despite the Owlet, the video monitor. You know it could all change in an instant..,
5. When sirens give you flashbacks and leave you curled in a ball crying until your face is chapped and swollen all over again.
6. You fear that all of your children will die.
7. When at the age of 14 your still checking if your rainbow is breathing throughout the night, and you think of abnormal situations that could kill them that most normal parents wouldn't even think of. Like thinking if you don't turn off plugs there will be a fire.
8. When you still check your 7yr old every night, making sure you can see that duvet rising up and down and even if you are not 100 per cent sure placing your hands on his body to feel he is just peacefully asleep! My baby kirsty fell asleep forever 25 yrs ago but i still have that continuing worry!!
9. When you want to breastfeed your baby to help reduce the risk, but question if it's right because you blame yourself for sleeping with your angel because of late night nursing.
10. Your babies still wear an Owlet every night and nap and will be monitored until 24 months.
11. The relief you feel when your rainbow surpasses the age your angel was when she died.
12. You watch your baby sleep every single night just to make sure he/she is breathing, even with all the monitors
13. When you fear nap time/bedtime
14. When you wake up from any bad dream and go to hold and rock them even though they are asleep.
15. When you fall asleep while nursing the new rainbow and feel overwhelming guilt, anxiety and insecurity.
16. When you spend so much money buying all the things you always thought you would never need. For example, this time I have 3 different night time monitors.
17. When you ask your spouse to check on the baby very causally. But what you're really asking is for them to make sure the baby is alive. And you both know that's what "checking on the baby" really means. But neither of you want to acknowledge it. And you wait for your husband to give you the thumbs up while you're holding your breath.
18. You constantly fight between hoping your rainbow looks like your angel and not because it terrifies you.
19. When somebody asks you how many children you have and you don't know the answer
20. When you stare at them, while they are sleeping, to make sure they're breathing despite the fact that they have a monitor on..
21. You literally wake up to every single noise you’re baby makes at night and end up asking your husband to take over most night shifts and sleep in a different room so I can actually get some sleep.
22. The unexpected wave of jealousy and guilt and hurt that overcomes you when any of your friends or family announce they are pregnant with a (whatever sex the child of your angel baby) was.
23. When your rainbow starts to roll over on her/his own, your stomach churns and you don't know what to do next?
24. Wanting to take a CPR class so you can be prepared in case it happens "again".
25. Buying an animal / pet to replace the lost child and the constant trying to fill in that gap in your heart.
26. Never feeling like your family is "complete". Always feeling something is missing.
27. Researching all the possible scenarios of what really happened. Going down a dark hole of what if's.
28. Wondering if it was vaccines, wondering if he choked, wondering if he suffocated, wondering if he was too hot: being certain it was your fault, even though you have no clue what even happened.
29. The HUGE wave of relief AND anger when you read the cause of death on his death certificate. Confusion. Lots of confusion.
30. When you have a special connection with your rainbow that is different than any of your other babies/kids.
31. You look for signs of your angel everywhere.
