Over the past few months, ever since moving into our new home, the question I keep going back to has been:
I've been struggling with this one. Mostly, blaming myself and thinking I made a mistake - or many of them. How could you go through this and not wonder where your mind has been? Why would my so called "spiritual impressions" lead me down a road of hardship? Why would God prompt me to buy a home in which the bathroom pipes burst on us the day we move in? Why would he prompt me to buy a home that I thought only needed a few minor fixes, and come to find needs about 50?!? Why would he lead me to a home that now has black mold issues due to the broken pipe, a broken HVAC system, moisture issues, ventilation issues, and the list goes on? Why wouldn't he have warned me like I asked him to, to stay away- not buy the home? I THOUGHT part of having faith meant he would lead me down a path of green pastures and still waters. I thought this home was the picture perfect, family dream home I had always envisioned in my mind I would have. Instead I feel as though I was deceived. I felt God had abandoned me. More than blaming God I have blamed myself for feeling incompetent at hearing the voice of the spirit. For not being righteous enough to discern right from wrong.
But deep down inside, that little voice in my head keeps reminding me "you DIDN'T make a mistake! This is all a part of the plan."
"Okay" my rational and logical pessimist side says, "Then why is my life a disaster? Why is my life in shambles? Why do I not even have a house to call HOME right now?!? Just explain that to me God. Explain that to me higher self, spirit and angel guides." I just want to point the finger and wag it back and forth until someone acknowledges my pain! My suffering! "WHAT ABOUT ME?!" It says. What about MY plans? MY dreams? MY needs? My rights? What about MY family? What about my reward for trying so hard? I've been doing the best I can and still - - It never seems to be enough. What did I do to deserve this?!?!
In comes the voice in my head that patiently reminds me again and again that it will all work out according to plan. It doesn't try to fight me, or belittle me, or tell me to calm down even (imagine that). It simply reminds me it will all be well.
"But! But! But!" my left brain says "BUT HOW?!?" "Where's the PROOF?!?" "There is NO possible way you can fix this, we made too many mistakes, this home is past the point of fixing, there's no possible financial way we can make this all work. And even if we do try to fix this home, it'll suck up all of our time. I just don't care. I don't have the energy to put into it. What about MY healing? I need a place to heal from MY issues. What about ME ME ME ME ME?!?"
Wow. You don't realize that is how you sound till you write it out. Ha!
And again, wise guide in my head tells me to just keep doing all the right things, to keep going, to not stop. Keep hoping, keep praying, keep praising God, keep thanking, keep smiling, keep rolling with the punches. Most of all keep trusting in yourself.
Ouch- that is the hardest advice to listen to. Keep trusting in yourself.....now that is a scary thought. "LOOK where trusting in myself got me in the past? Why the heck would I want to trust in myself?"
"Because you are doing the right things. Just because you are doing all the right things doesn't mean your life is going to be all rainbows and flowers. How boring would that be?! You've been living in that world for the past, oh, 25 years. You came here to do more than just exist. You came here to learn. You came here to learn to love. You came here to experience what transcendent love feels like. The only way to experience transcendent love is to go through something that requires transcendence. See how wise you have become already?" Ha, I crack myself up.
"Stop it right now. Stop second guessing yourself. Stop guilt tripping yourself. Stop caring so much about what other people think! Sure, there will be people who will speculate and think maybe she's just lacking a few brain cells, that's why she got into this mess. That's why she lost her son. She's been living on cloud nine. And maybe they are half right. (ha-ha) but you know that you know and that is all that matters. YOU know you are doing what is right. So don't second guess yourself. TRUST yourself."
Okay so this is the conversation I've been having with myself for the past couple of months, especially since Noah died. Everything bad seemed to happen all at once. And I still have days where I second guess myself. But thanks to great friends and family, to my husband, and my angel son Noah himself, I am learning how to trust myself again.
It is crazy how going down a dead end road (learning without a doubt what NOT trusting myself feels like, what hating myself feels like, what self doubt and anger and faithlessness feels like) can cause one to know without a shadow of a doubt what the opposite feels like - - (Truth, trust, faith, hope, charity, love).
Experiencing the heartbreak and loss of two of my greatest dreams , my son and my house.... has brought me face - to - face with my inner demon: myself. It has forced me to confront the lies I had believed and that had become so integral to my identity. That lie was that I couldn't trust God or myself because he takes us down dead end roads.
The truth, through the fire and flames , now that circumstances forced me into and through them is in fact that I CAN trust God and myself. I can believe. Do you know why? Because I have discovered the truth. God never leaves us comfortless. He NEVER ever makes us suffer. Yes he will put us through trials and tribulations to help us grow. But the truth is that when we TRUST in him he leads us through green pastures and still waters in the MIDST OF TRIBULATION.
I just never ever understood it. I was seeking out my green pasture, and my still waters believing that peace was some sort of tangible - worldly idea of "peace"--- A picture perfect home, Fixer-upper style as seen on HGTV. A picture perfect family in a picture perfect setting. 8 hours of sleep every night. Home cooked meals planned out in perfect sequence, never going hungry. Being self reliant, not having to depend on parents help (or anyone's help for that matter). "Peace" I thought, was something that was earned through hard work and only those who tried really hard received.
It sounds silly, now that I type it out that I used to feel that way. You don't really become aware of the things you think, feel, and say until you write them down or talk them out with a friend. Writing has always been my favorite therapist.
I know now that true happiness. True peace comes in the midst of the fire. It is so hard to explain until you experience it. I know I've heard this so many times, of coarse I would "inner-eye roll" and say to my self "yea right, true peace ...in jail? In a nursing home? In a surgery? In death? In loss? In pain? At 3 AM in the morning when I feel like i'm about to hurl? When I check my bank account? When I teach a lesson in front of a congregation of women? When my son dies on my watch?!?!......."
But the only true suffering comes when we do things without faith. When we try to do things on our own that is when we suffer. That is the ultimate irony. We think we can't trust God because he makes us suffer- so then we chose to do things without him....The only true cause of suffering.
It wasn't until I was thrown into a fiery furnace the pushed me to the very limits of pain and suffering that I finally turned to God and pleaded for some true relief. It took the loss of my son to finally shake me out of my apathy. To get me to reach out for relief. I felt as though my body and spirit were going through an endless torment. A living hell. Looking back at it now, I think I truly do know what hell must feel like. Endless tossing, and turning, never able to find rest. Feeling as though you don't belong anywhere. Wanting to dissolve into nothing and just be forgotten.
Yea. I have felt that.
Luckily it didn't last forever. It only lasted as long as I needed to experience what that dead end road looked and felt like. What "dead end" really is, I have found, is a place where God is not. He showed me that, in as gentle of a way as he could. He really did cushion the blow for me in so many ways. I look back and see his hand was there so strongly. He only let go of me for a brief time to help me see more clearly. To give me wisdom. To help me increase my resolve and my will to go more boldly down the right path.
If this experience of going down a dead end road had never happened, I might still be walking down the right, but I would be doing so at a leisurely rate, taking my merry time, possibly looking at my watch wondering "Am I there YET?!" Bored. Unexicited. Uninspired. Distracted Unmotivated to really keep going down the right road very long.
Like an article in a July 2015 Ensign entitled "Wrong Roads and Revelation" (my inspiration for this post) said:
Like an article in a July 2015 Ensign entitled "Wrong Roads and Revelation" (my inspiration for this post) said:
"I understood and have never forgotten the lesson my Heavenly Father and earthly father taught me that afternoon. Sometimes in response to prayers, the Lord may guide us down what seems to be the wrong road—or at least a road we don’t understand—so, in due time, He can get us firmly and without question on the right road. Of course, He would never lead us down a path of sin, but He might lead us down a road of valuable experience. Sometimes in our journey through life we can get from point A to point C only by taking a short side road to point B. We had prayed that we could make it safely home that day, and we did."
God has a plan for me. He has one for all of us. When I say that, I mean he has an individual plan for each and every one of us. When you feel like he's left you, he hasn't. He's literally right there just WAITING for you to reach out to him for help. There's no sin, no weakness, no insecurity, no trial, no situation that he can't help you rise above. There's nothing he can't do. In my impossible situation he has brought me great peace. Right now i'm learning the lesson of patience. I am still learning THAT lesson because even though I know all this --- it's another thing to apply it and endure.
Also, something I have learned and feel I should share: it's okay to grieve and be angry and be sad. It's okay to cry and question God. He has told me that he can take it. He's your father in Heaven. You better believe he cares. He just wants you to tell him how you feel. He just wants to help you. He doesn't want to chastise you and make you feel like a naughty girl or boy for hurting. He wants you to know he loves you and it will all be okay.
<3
Also, something I have learned and feel I should share: it's okay to grieve and be angry and be sad. It's okay to cry and question God. He has told me that he can take it. He's your father in Heaven. You better believe he cares. He just wants you to tell him how you feel. He just wants to help you. He doesn't want to chastise you and make you feel like a naughty girl or boy for hurting. He wants you to know he loves you and it will all be okay.
<3
Rachel
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