You Know Your A SIDS/Rainbow Mom When...

 I am a part of a SIDS/Rainbow baby group on Facebook and they recently asked a question to all the members. I decided to copy and paste a lot of them into a blog post and added a few of my own. Just bringing awareness to our unique experience. It is nice to know i'm not the only Crazy one.

You know your a SIDS/Rainbow Mom when:


1. When you don't know how many kids you have... Or you get confused between present and post tense

2.  You feel a twinge of guilt for being so happy.

3. You buy a breathable mattress , but then send it back because you actually try to breathe through the mattress only to find out it’s really not breathable! 

 4. You hold your breath every time you walk into their bedroom...despite the Owlet, the video monitor. You know it could all change in an instant..,

5.  When sirens give you flashbacks and leave you curled in a ball crying until your face is chapped and swollen all over again.

6.  You fear that all of your children will die.

7.  When at the age of 14 your still checking if your rainbow is breathing throughout the night, and you think of abnormal situations that could kill them that most normal parents wouldn't even think of. Like thinking if you don't turn off plugs there will be a fire.

8.  When you still check your 7yr old every night, making sure you can see that duvet rising up and down and even if you are not 100 per cent sure placing your hands on his body to feel he is just peacefully asleep! My baby kirsty fell asleep forever 25 yrs ago but i still have that continuing worry!!

9.  When you want to breastfeed your baby to help reduce the risk, but question if it's right because you blame yourself for sleeping with your angel because of late night nursing.

10.  Your babies still wear an Owlet every night and nap and will be monitored until 24 months.

11.  The relief you feel when your rainbow surpasses the age your angel was when she died.

12.  You watch your baby sleep every single night just to make sure he/she is breathing, even with all the monitors

13.  When you fear nap time/bedtime

14.  When you wake up from any bad dream and go to hold and rock them even though they are asleep.

15. When you fall asleep while nursing the new rainbow and feel overwhelming guilt, anxiety and insecurity.

16.  When you spend so much money buying all the things you always thought you would never need. For example, this time I have 3 different night time monitors.

17.  When you ask your spouse to check on the baby very causally. But what you're really asking is for them to make sure the baby is alive. And you both know that's what "checking on the baby" really means. But neither of you want to acknowledge it. And you wait for your husband to give you the thumbs up while you're holding your breath.

18.  You constantly fight between hoping your rainbow looks like your angel and not because it terrifies you.

19.  When somebody asks you how many children you have and you don't know the answer

20.  When you stare at them, while they are sleeping, to make sure they're breathing despite the fact that they have a monitor on..

21.  You literally wake up to every single noise you’re baby makes at night and end up asking your husband to take over most night shifts and sleep in a different room so I can actually get some sleep.

22. The unexpected wave of jealousy and guilt and hurt that overcomes you when any of your friends or family announce they are pregnant with a (whatever sex the child of your angel baby) was. 

23. When your rainbow starts to roll over on her/his own, your stomach churns and you don't know what to do next?

24. Wanting to take a CPR class so you can be prepared in case it happens "again". 

25. Buying an animal / pet to replace the lost child and the constant trying to fill in that gap in your heart. 

26. Never feeling like your family is "complete". Always feeling something is missing. 

27. Researching all the possible scenarios of what really happened. Going down a dark hole of what if's. 

28. Wondering if it was vaccines, wondering if he choked, wondering if he suffocated, wondering if he was too hot: being certain it was your fault, even though you have no clue what even happened. 

29. The HUGE wave of relief AND anger when you read the cause of death on his death certificate. Confusion. Lots of confusion. 

30. When you have a special connection with your rainbow that is different than any of your other babies/kids. 

31. You look for signs of your angel everywhere. 

Reaching the End to a New Beginning.

I think i'm learning that life gets difficult sometimes to help us make the transition to something new and better.

When we are uncomfortable where we are at it's not because we need to get used to it. (I used to believe that).

When we are uncomfortable it's a sign that something needs to change. 

Lately we have been coming to grips with the reality of our financial situation. It seems like the seeds we planted about a year ago we are finally reaping. And it hurts to come to the reality that our seeds have not been producing as much as we would have liked. We've been able to put off reality (our budget) for about a year now, due to the Lord blessing us with a cushion and some financial security. He helped cushion the blow after two big devastations that rocked our world and turned it completely upside down and inside out. 

But in that time he did not leave us completely comfortless... in many ways God took over and said 

"I will carry you." 

A year later he says to us:

"I have fed and nourished you back to emotional, physical and mental health. Even though you are not completely healed, I am going to leave you here now to figure out how to do this on your own." 

He says, "it's time my daughter, my son, to learn to walk again. 

It is time again for your faith to be tested".

What I am learning is that God doesn't push us to make a leap of faith into darkness, misery or wo. He pushes us to make the leap of faith into greater joy, peace, and love. Don't be deceived!

God isn't the author of misery, he's the author of joy and happiness. 

The key is understanding that the initial step of faith requires us to step into the dark unknown. Because it is IN the dark (lack of understanding) that we gain understanding. It is in the losing that we gain. It is in the uncertainty that we learn faith, in the fear that we learn trust, in doing what is uncomfortable that we learn to be comforted.


If you think that gospel of faith is all about easiness, and peace (without the dis- ease) then you are sorely mistaking! Peace without a knowledge of it's opposite would not be peace at all

Even if you feel you are in an impossible situation and that peace, love or joy seems like an unrealistic ideal...(your credit has plummeted and your choices have been sorely limited, you can't get a loan for college education, your employment is not providing enough money to pay for your rent, your food, or your children's basic necessities. If you are dealing with death of a loved one, and unable to cope with the grief. If you are dealing with a weaknesses that you just never seem to be able to overcome.) IF you put your trust in him and believe that there is a way even though none can be seen yet, there WILL BE!
But you have to distinguish between the false voices and the true ones. The false ones keep you stuck in old habits and old ways. The only limits depend on what voice you listen to. 

I've seen it happen a few times now in my life. Crazy awesome things. Doors will open that were previously shut. New opportunities will come to you, or coincidence will bring them to you.

People will come into your life. Prayers will be answered, in almost humorous ways. 

Connections in your own brain will be made. Aha moments will be more common. 

The hard thing to remember in learning to transition from a place of discomfort to a place of peace is that there are seasons of ebbs and seasons of flows. 

The ebbs cause is to stop, rethink our lives, ponder what we can do better, motivate us to plan and strategize. 

Flows are the natural response to our ebbs. What we ebb we flow. If I use the quiet moments of pondering and reflecting wisely, I will be able to flow more easily. If I try to go against the natural current of life (resist the ebb) then I stop flowing and I become stagnant andORtumultuous.  Unpredictable and uneasy. 

I need to learn how to respond better to the ebbs in my life - the let downs, the disappointments, the witholding, the losing. When these things happen to me instead of reacting unpredictably and irrationally, I need to use this moment to reflect and think and then I can respond with the natural current and flow peacefully forward when the time calls me to move forward again.

Most of all, and this is probably the MOST important part: learning to enjoy the ride. Learning to be okay with the ebbing phases of my life without getting mad. 

Thinking about my day to day life - I realize that ebbing and flowing is constant. One moment is great. I am sleeping like a baby for the first time in a very long time. The next moment my 2 year old starts crying and wakes me up around 4 in the morning from a very peaceful sleep. How do I respond? Pause and think. I feel my body tensing up and I feel myself getting frusterated. I start to feel all my aches and pains and noticing all the negative. Then I respond from a place of fear and anger instead of from a place of neutrality and acceptance. When I respond in the negative frame of mind I cannot observe the subtleties. I am not pausing to reflect or to feel. I am simply reacting. Then I no longer flow, my energy hardens and I get stuck. 


You can try to schedule your life out, you can try and envision the day ahead before it is here. You can do that, and you should. But always make room in your heart for the unexpected, don't be surprised when things go better than you thought. Don't be surprised if something unexpected happens that changes things. 

Make room in your heart for God and HIS ways. His ways are not our ways. Remember that we are all co-creators with him. We signed up to do this with him. So we need to remember to give place in our hearts for him and be willing to sacrifice your plan for his. When you learn to work alongside of God you will free yourself from the chaos that comes from holding on too tightly to your own ideas.

When you do as much as you can and realize, you've come to the end, and you no longer know what to do. Take that as a sign that it's because it's not you who is supposed to play this next solo piece. It is not you who can possibly figure out the next step.  That is the perfect opening for God and his designs. Learn to celebrate "The End" because what the end really is is a beginning to witnessing a miracle. Let the disappointment disappoint, let yourself work through it, but know that when you reach the end of disappointment you will either go off of the deep end trying to find the end, or you will admit the truth to yourself - you don't know where to go from here. Then call upon God to fill in the gaps and missing pieces and he WILL.

HOPE! Is everything.

BELIEVE Believe!

Share YOUR light.

Love
Rachel

The lie that acts like a virus

"There is a lie that acts like a virus within the mind of humanity. And that lie is there's not enough good to go around. There's lack, and there's limitation and there's just not enough. That lie has people living in fear, greed, stinginess, and those thoughts... become their experience." Reverend dr. Micheal

What I've Learned about Gratitude

12 days ago I made a goal of writing down one or two things I have been grateful for at the end of the day. To keep me accountable I made this journal public on Facebook. I was a little bit uncertain about doing it this way at first, I try not to be "that" facebook friend who posts things 24/7. But I got over my pride of caring about what other people think and just did what I felt I needed to do. There is so much negativity going on in the world, and most people tend to dwell on what's wrong (including me) so I thought what a better way to change myself and others by creating a ripple effect of positive thinking?

I have been working to heal myself spiritually, mentally, physically and emotionally for the past year or more, but the loss of my infant son and dealing with home issues is helping to motivate me to work harder and to try harder to find relief. I have discovered in the process that one of the things that holds me back the most is my tendency towards negative thinking. Specifically towards myself, and my circumstances. I tend to speak in "victim" language: "I can't believe it's so cold outside. I am so tired. Heavy sighs. Why can't I be better at this? Why can't I do that? Why am I so stupid? I'm never going to have money to do what other people do. I am never going to have time to exercise and be healthy again. I am never going to make new friends or get my old self back. Life's so rough. Why can't life be easier? I don't feel like doing ____. I have no energy. << That is my number one excuse or saying."

Josh is my go to person for advice when i'm feeling especially low and down. And sometimes I'm the one with the good advice. ;)

"Stop dwelling on the negative, look at the positive" he is starting to remind me to just dwell on the good. This doesn't mean you don't see the bad. But it's kind of like when a friend points out a pimple on their face, it's not something you even noticed until they point it out to you. It's the same thing for me. At the end of the day I tend to look at all the things that went wrong. Today I will admit I did it again. I said to Josh "We didn't even get to spend much time together today" he said "Yea, today we just chilled. We got to sit on the couch and just relax in front of the TV and computer screen. No we didn't talk a lot, or do anything special, but it was a great day. It was a peaceful day. I really enjoyed it." Well he got me there! It's just a matter of perspective I am coming to find. I tend to look at what didn't happen (notice, my love language is quality time lol) instead of noticing the good things that did happen. "Your right" I said. "When is the last time we got to just sit and chill and sit in front of a TV screen while Isabel played on her own and we just did our own thing?" It felt almost like we were "home" for a second (even though we are house sitting for a friend of ours for a few weeks and it's not technically our home.) It felt good to just be in the present.

Wow I totally missed that. I was too busy worrying about the future, or the past to really be enjoying the present moment.

"I am a realist" I used to say when family would tell me I was "negative, and pessimistic". 

What i'm learning as I am working on finding the good in each day at the end of the day, is that being a "realist" should actually make me an optimist. Because in the end, with Christ, we know "all is well".

Good will prevail. No matter what trials or hardships may come our way during the day, we can always turn it over to God at the end of each day, and he can take away the sting. He can deliver you out of the lie that "all is not well." He will give you peace and rest. You can turn anything into a positive because in the end, even the worst of the worst will be had for our good.

Faith has turned me into an optimist. Faith is the missing ingredient. Faith is what helps me live my life with more and more gratitude each day. When I catch myself going down that downward spiral of negativity and depression, I'm reminded that I need to stop and look for the good. Looking for the good takes a little bit of faith because it's not easy to do. "What's the point of looking for the good anyway....?" I am prone to say.

Here's what I've learned. Gratitude literally rewires the brain. I have noticed subtle shifts. It's not like all at once my negative thought processes are going to just disappear and go away. Gratitude is simply what helps to lift me out of that pit when I do fall. When hardship hits, gratitude reminds me it's not so bad after all.

I wont lie, gratitude is not going to be anyone's first instinct and is not mine yet - especially when things go really bad. But I think that's why it's a habit that needs to be cultivated. No one is just BORN with the gift of gratitude. Lol. No I am finding it really does take a lot of work. And more if you grew up in a family of pessimists and worry warts ;)

It takes some practice to really change, but I am finding myself as a result of trying to find the good at the end of the day worrying less and trusting more.

I just realized right now how far I've come. My former self (of only a month ago) would be stressing out, thinking about my situation constantly. I do worry, but not constantly now.

Today we were walking through the store and we saw Christmas decorations. My heart ached for a second, thinking I didn't have a home to even set up Christmas decorations in. I started to complain to Josh. Then I caught myself and stopped before I let myself go too far. I thought to myself "yes, but...at least we have a place to stay. At least we are being well taken care of."
That's progress.

Gratitude is seriously life changing. It's not just a trendy word used at Thanksgiving time. It is a word that can really change you from the inside out. Experiment for yourself. :)

Why Did God Lead Me Down A Dead-End Road?

Over the past few months, ever since moving into our new home, the question I keep going back to has been:

"Why would the answer to our prayers send us down the wrong road?"

I've been struggling with this one. Mostly, blaming myself and thinking I made a mistake - or many of them. How could you go through this and not wonder where your mind has been? Why would my so called "spiritual impressions" lead me down a road of hardship? Why would God prompt me to buy a home in which the bathroom pipes burst on us the day we move in? Why would he prompt me to buy a home that I thought only needed a few minor fixes, and come to find needs about 50?!?  Why would he lead me to a home that now has black mold issues due to the broken pipe, a broken HVAC system, moisture issues, ventilation issues, and the list goes on? Why wouldn't he have warned me like I asked him to, to stay away- not buy the home? I THOUGHT part of having faith meant he would lead me down a path of green pastures and still waters. I thought this home was the picture perfect, family dream home I had always envisioned in my mind I would have. Instead I feel as though I was deceived. I felt God had abandoned me. More than blaming God I have blamed myself for feeling incompetent at hearing the voice of the spirit. For not being righteous enough to discern right from wrong.

But deep down inside, that little voice in my head keeps reminding me "you DIDN'T make a mistake! This is all a part of the plan."

"Okay" my rational and logical pessimist side says, "Then why is my life a disaster? Why is my life in shambles? Why do I not even have a house to call HOME right now?!? Just explain that to me God. Explain that to me higher self, spirit and angel guides." I just want to point the finger and wag it back and forth until someone acknowledges my pain! My suffering! "WHAT ABOUT ME?!" It says. What about MY plans? MY dreams? MY needs? My rights? What about MY family? What about my reward for trying so hard? I've been doing the best I can and still - - It never seems to be enough. What did I do to deserve this?!?!

In comes the voice in my head that patiently reminds me again and again that it will all work out according to plan. It doesn't try to fight me, or belittle me, or tell me to calm down even (imagine that). It simply reminds me it will all be well.

"But! But! But!" my left brain says "BUT HOW?!?" "Where's the PROOF?!?" "There is NO possible way you can fix this, we made too many mistakes, this home is past the point of fixing, there's no possible financial way we can make this all work. And even if we do try to fix this home, it'll suck up all of our time. I just don't care. I don't have the energy to put into it. What about MY healing? I need a place to heal from MY issues. What about ME ME ME ME ME?!?"

Wow. You don't realize that is how you sound till you write it out. Ha!

And again, wise guide in my head tells me to just keep doing all the right things, to keep going, to not stop. Keep hoping, keep praying, keep praising God, keep thanking, keep smiling, keep rolling with the punches. Most of all keep trusting in yourself.

Ouch- that is the hardest advice to listen to. Keep trusting in yourself.....now that is a scary thought. "LOOK where trusting in myself got me in the past? Why the heck would I want to trust in myself?"

"Because you are doing the right things. Just because you are doing all the right things doesn't mean your life is going to be all rainbows and flowers. How boring would that be?! You've been living in that world for the past, oh, 25 years. You came here to do more than just exist. You came here to learn. You came here to learn to love. You came here to experience what transcendent love feels like. The only way to experience transcendent love is to go through something that requires transcendence. See how wise you have become already?" Ha, I crack myself up.

"Stop it right now. Stop second guessing yourself. Stop guilt tripping yourself. Stop caring so much about what other people think! Sure, there will be people who will speculate and think maybe she's just lacking a few brain cells, that's why she got into this mess. That's why she lost her son. She's been living on cloud nine.  And maybe they are half right. (ha-ha) but you know that you know and that is all that matters. YOU know you are doing what is right. So don't second guess yourself. TRUST yourself."

Okay so this is the conversation I've been having with myself for the past couple of months, especially since Noah died. Everything bad seemed to happen all at once. And I still have days where I second guess myself. But thanks to great friends and family, to my husband, and my angel son Noah himself, I am learning how to trust myself again.

It is crazy how going down a dead end road (learning without a doubt what NOT trusting myself feels like, what hating myself feels like, what self doubt and anger and faithlessness feels like) can cause one to know without a shadow of a doubt what the opposite feels like - - (Truth, trust, faith, hope, charity, love).

Experiencing the heartbreak and loss of two of my greatest dreams , my son and my house.... has brought me face - to - face with my inner demon: myself. It has forced me to confront the lies I had believed and that had become so integral to my identity. That lie was that I couldn't trust God or myself because he takes us down dead end roads.

The truth, through the fire and flames , now that circumstances forced me into and through them is in fact that I CAN trust God and myself. I can believe. Do you know why? Because I have discovered the truth. God never leaves us comfortless. He NEVER ever makes us suffer. Yes he will put us through trials and tribulations to help us grow. But the truth is that when we TRUST in him he leads us through green pastures and still waters in the MIDST OF TRIBULATION.

I just never ever understood it. I was seeking out my green pasture, and my still waters believing that peace was some sort of tangible - worldly idea of "peace"--- A picture perfect home, Fixer-upper style as seen on HGTV. A picture perfect family in a picture perfect setting. 8 hours of sleep every  night. Home cooked meals planned out in perfect sequence, never going hungry. Being self reliant, not having to depend on parents help (or anyone's help for that matter). "Peace" I thought, was something that was earned through hard work and only those who tried really hard received.

It sounds silly, now that I type it out that I used to feel that way. You don't really become aware of the things you think, feel, and say until you write them down or talk them out with a friend. Writing has always been my favorite therapist.

I know now that true happiness. True peace comes in the midst of the fire. It is so hard to explain until you experience it. I know I've heard this so many times, of coarse I would "inner-eye roll" and say to my self "yea right, true peace ...in jail? In a nursing home? In a surgery? In death? In loss? In pain? At 3 AM in the morning when I feel like i'm about to hurl? When I check my bank account? When I teach a lesson in front of a congregation of women? When my son dies on my watch?!?!......."

But the only true suffering comes when we do things without faith. When we try to do things on our own that is when we suffer. That is the ultimate irony. We think we can't trust God because he makes us suffer- so then we chose to do things without him....The only true cause of suffering.

It wasn't until I was thrown into a fiery furnace the pushed me to the very limits of pain and suffering that I finally turned to God and pleaded for some true relief. It took the loss of my son to finally shake me out of my apathy. To get me to reach out for relief. I felt as though my body and spirit were going through an endless torment. A living hell. Looking back at it now, I think I truly do know what hell must feel like. Endless tossing, and turning, never able to find rest. Feeling as though you don't belong anywhere. Wanting to dissolve into nothing and just be forgotten.

Yea. I have felt that.

Luckily it didn't last forever. It only lasted as long as I needed to experience what that dead end road looked and felt like. What "dead end" really is, I have found, is a place where God is not. He showed me that, in as gentle of a way as he could. He really did cushion the blow for me in so many ways. I look back and see his hand was there so strongly. He only let go of me for a brief time to help me see more clearly. To give me wisdom. To help me increase my resolve and my will to go more boldly down the right path.

If this experience of going down a dead end road had never happened, I might still be walking down the right, but I would be doing so at a leisurely rate, taking my merry time, possibly looking at my watch wondering "Am I there YET?!" Bored. Unexicited. Uninspired. Distracted Unmotivated to really keep going down the right road very long.

Like an article in a July 2015 Ensign entitled "Wrong Roads and Revelation" (my inspiration for this post) said:

"I understood and have never forgotten the lesson my Heavenly Father and earthly father taught me that afternoon. Sometimes in response to prayers, the Lord may guide us down what seems to be the wrong road—or at least a road we don’t understand—so, in due time, He can get us firmly and without question on the right road. Of course, He would never lead us down a path of sin, but He might lead us down a road of valuable experience. Sometimes in our journey through life we can get from point A to point C only by taking a short side road to point B. We had prayed that we could make it safely home that day, and we did."

God has a plan for me. He has one for all of us. When I say that, I mean he has an individual plan for each and every one of us. When you feel like he's left you, he hasn't. He's literally right there just WAITING for you to reach out to him for help. There's no sin, no weakness, no insecurity, no trial, no situation that he can't help you rise above. There's nothing he can't do. In my impossible situation he has brought me great peace. Right now i'm learning the lesson of patience. I am still learning THAT lesson because even though I know all this --- it's another thing to apply it and endure.

Also, something I have learned and feel I should share: it's okay to grieve and be angry and be sad. It's okay to cry and question God. He has told me that he can take it. He's your father in Heaven. You better believe he cares. He just wants you to tell him how you feel. He just wants to help you. He doesn't want to chastise you and make you feel like a naughty girl or boy for hurting. He wants you to know he loves you and it will all be okay.

<3

Rachel

Be Thou My Vision!

 Be Thou my vision, O lord of my heart;
Nought be all else to me, save that Thou art;
Thou my best thought, in the day and the night,
Waking or sleeping, Thy presence my light.

Be Thou my wisdom, be Thou my true word;
I ever with Thee, and Thou with me Lord;
Thou my Great Father, and I Thy true son;
Thou in me dwelling and I with Thee one.

Be Thou my breast-plate, my sword for the fight;
Be Thou my armour, and be Thou my might.
Thou my soul's shelter, and Thou my high tower:
Raise Thou me Heavenward, O power of my power.
Riches I heed not, nor man's empty praise,
Thou mine inheritance, through all my days:
Thou and Thou only, the first in my heart,
High King of Heaven, my treasure Thou art.

High King of Heaven when the battle is done,
Grant Heaven's joy to me, bright heaven's sun!
Christ of my own heart, whatever befall,
Still be thou my vision, O Ruler of all.

 

 This song and video is so beautiful.

The imagery of this video is so powerful. Keeping the "vision" of Christ's Atonement and the hope of God's light with us through our mist of darkness keeps us from getting sucked into despair, depression and sadness (the darkness). 

  Through this ordeal I have been amazed by the power of the atonement - the power of God's LOVE! I have felt it SO strongly! I have never felt so much love in all my life.

So you see our pain, though sore, painful and seemingly impossible to endure - can be swallowed up in the light which Christ offers us. We just have to take his hand and he will be there - every single time! Hold on to that hope, the trial of your faith will be but a small moment (for me it was the first day and night of endless tossing and turning) and because I endured it in faith God blessed me with more than I could ever imagine. It is this that brings tears to my eyes! HIS GOODNESS. I just have to praise him! God is so good.

 

 

 The Words to 'Be Thou My Vision'

The original words to the hymn date back as far as 6th Century Ireland, and to the prolific Irish writer Dallan Forgaill (c.530-598), with the original title 'Rop tú mo Baile' . It is said that such was his zealousness for writing poetry and studying that it led to his blindness. In his day, Forgaill reformed the Bardic Order, helping to preserve the Gaelic traditional literature and language.

Husband's Eulogy to Our 40 Day Old Son, Noah

I am wearing my work clothes today [firefighter uniform] because these are the clothes I last saw you in at 530 in the morning, Noah. Where I gave some comfort to you one last time before I gave you to mom to nurse. These are the clothes I had on when I got that call from our neighbor, John, that you were headed to the ER, that no parent wants to hear. These are the clothes I got to hold you one last time at the hospital and these are the clothes in which I will have the honor of burying you. 

 
The night before I laid down in bed i wrote in my Gmail-Journal that I thought Grandpa Brown was going to leave tomorrow or the next day. I get those feelings sometimes that something big is going to happen. we all know that Grandpa Brown was going soon with him having gas gangrene and all but I didn't know that you were going to go to.

Rachel and I believe that this is why you had colic and even the night before you left you were very talkative acting a little different like you're trying to tell us something, something that we didn't know. Now I know why you wanted to be with us so much and why you were colicky; that you wanted to be with us as much as possible before you had to go. I will miss those days Noah, where you laid on my chest all night, when your colic magically went away because you wanted to be with mom and me. We just thought that you were a boy and was just always so dang hungry all the time.

Noah if I would have known you were going to be with me for only 40 days I wouldn't have given you the name Noah. I would have called you Century.

I know why your middle name is Joseph now and why we felt to call you Noah Joseph because Joseph was the name of Grandpa Browns great-great Grandpa. And only a few hours after you passed, I believe you escorted Grandpa Brown to the next life.
Noah means "comfort or rest" and Joseph means "the Lord will add" so the name Noah Joseph literally means "The Lord will add comfort." We never put two and two together when we gave you this name. But It all makes sense now. You are our angel, providing us with extra love and comfort from Heaven. Although not in the way we would have liked, we get to feel of your spirit in a different and more powerful way. 

I believe that's why you went so early and that was because you had a calling and a life as a spirit that was greater than this life, meant for greater people.

I told Rachel that in the baby blessing I didn't say that you were going on a mission in the future because I felt like you're calling in life was a little different.

We both didn't understand at that time.

We finally went out to the house the other day to have some closure and we knew you were there, we could feel your spirit and only within a few minutes of being there Rachel got an email from a friend that also added some closure that you were okay and that this was meant to happen that you truly were only here to receive a body and your mission was greater on the other side. God, our Loving Heavenly Father needed you more then we did, that somebody else on the other side needed you more than we did.

Noah we love you so so much our hearts are empty, our walls are empty.  we will miss you little man. That letter a long with other friends and families calls, texts and emails have filled out hearts back up with hope and God's love. Please keep praying for us because the next couple of weeks I believe are going to be a lot tougher once everything slows down.

Isabel's first words were No, no way, no-A and Noah. When she was in the hospital waiting room she kept telling aunt Hannah and pointing to the corner of the ceiling saying Ba bee, baby. Many times. At the funeral home before we even got to see his body she did it again pointing to the corner of the room as we asked where Baby Noah was. 
 
I believe even as the Bible says that God lives and he is there for us even when we think he's not there. Like the Savior that on the third day was resurrected and lives today, even though we can't see him that's why faith is required. Along with that we believe that we will see you again Noah and we will have the opportunity to finish raising you. Where we can go play in the sandbox with your dump trucks like I dreamed you would. Where you can play baseball and basketball like your grandpas dreamed you would. Where you will get married to a sweet young lady like your mom and grandma's dreamed you would. 

Life doesn't stop and that's why we believe in Eternal Marriage and eternal families that this family will reunite and continue for the eternities and that we will pass this Earthly test.

My only regret is one that I still have as a bad habit of doing and that is telling Isabel No, too much. And someday I'd like to write a book called no no, helping parents understand that it's not all about discipline and being good kids. It's about saying yes and rewarding them for their good behaviors not scolding them for their bad behaviors. A lesson I had to learn the hard way I guess.

Noah we will see you again and we pray that you will help us through these difficult times and that you will be Isabel's guardian angel. God be with you little Bubbers were we shall both see our Savior Jesus Christ. Amen.